I’ve been with a lot of people. We’re talking mid-twenties when you add up my past romances, one-night stands, quick flings and a six-year-long vanilla relationship. Considering that six years was completely monogamous I’d say I’ve fucked more than my share.
Only once have I been with someone truly dominant who was also younger than me. I was twenty-one; he was nineteen. It was totally unexpected; it hit me like a brick wall the moment I saw him. I was terrified that he was too young for me, that I wouldn’t be able to compete with girls his age, that my natural maternal-caretaker instinct would conflict with the dominant/submissive dynamic in our relationship. It seems silly now that I was ever concerned by the age difference, when we were both in college, just a couple years apart, living steps away from each other. Three years is such an insignificant discrepancy, really.
Age was not the problem that made me tear myself away from him. The real conflict was that I had complete faith in him where he had none. I would have followed him to the ends of the earth if only he had shown some inkling of confidence, but there was…nothing there, no conviction of self-worth. He pushed me out little by little, even as hope burned inside me that I could show him how much he meant to me and how much potential I saw in him for greatness. He didn’t feel worthy to keep me but wouldn’t let me go either, and ultimately I just couldn’t bear being a servant in disuse. I told him I had to leave… I fought against it, hard, but I did it.
He broke the hell out of my heart. I felt like I had failed him…nobody understood, because they didn’t know the dynamic of our relationship, they only saw a guy being negligent of his girlfriend. I felt like I had done something wrong with my submission. I never really recovered before I took refuge in that six-year vanilla relationship with the next boy who came along. It was only after I had left him behind too that I came to realize my autonomy from that crushing experience and find a real self identity.
And now, suddenly, I have found another someone: truly dominant, younger than me by six years–totally unexpected, hitting me like a brick wall the moment I heard his voice. I feel like it’s beginning again; I worry that he’s too young, that I can’t compete with girls his age, that my maternal-caretaker instinct will conflict with him, not to mention the newfound independence I have reached after my quarter-life crisis. I can feel myself falling fast and hard, opening to the same intense devotion and severe vulnerability. I’ve already experienced the soul-shattering pain of loss and I’m resistant to total submission because it very nearly broke me. I’m not sure I can fully express my extreme terror at the thought of going through that again.
But letting go…oh it feels so good, and he…is just…perfect.
So here we go…
